Letters to Billy, number 3

Billy,
   I am, once again sitting in my garage, thinking about you,  and all the times we sat here, on this very couch, talking about everything and nothing. I am still sometimes really mad at you for leaving us like you did, but today, I am just sad that it is almost Christmas and I won't get to see the silly pajamas that Kim would have bought you this year. Or see Brad and you and your Dad sitting on the porch, drinking coffee in the freezing cold.  But mostly, I am just sad that you are gone. I miss your smiling face, more than I can say, and I miss my  friend.

   There have been so many time these last five months that I have picked up my phone to call you. I've needed your sarcastic wit and no bullshit attitude to get my head right, and then I dial your number and remember. And fall apart a little bit,  all over again. For the most part, I am past being mad at you, but I don't think I will ever stop being sad when I think about you.  I have often wanted to call and talk to your Dad, but I am afraid that it would be painful for him to talk to me. After all, he and I got to know each other over Christmas at Kim's house in Lubbock,  and it was such  good week. I know this is depressing, and probably the iind of shit you would rag on me for, but I have to grt this out somewhere, and the universe picked you to listen, I guess because nobody else seems to wamt the job.

   Mick and I are about over with. We are just going through the motions these days, trying to hurt the other as much as possible before the end. At least,  it seems that way most days.  I am quitting the dope, hopefully for good this time, and he doesn't want to stop yet. Says he doesn't need to,  and that his continued use should not affect my quitting.  Of course, you know as well as I do that is a fantasy. In a lot of ways, I have known from the start rhat we would never make it,  he and I. We are both too strong willed and unyielding to ever really have a chance. When this is all said and done,  I dont think I want to be in a relationship again. I think I was meant to be alone.

   I seem to be attracted to men who either hurt me and say they love me or just tolerate me until someone better comes I along. Mick is no exception.  I thought he was,  but he has turned out to be one of the worst. He is physically violent and then denies that it ever happened. One day I fear he will really hurt me, or worse. But,  of course,  he makes it very difficult to leave. He controls the money, the car, and even took my key back. I've lived here nearly two years amd I do not have a house key.

   Sorry, I got off track there for a minute. I guess my point is, it has all fallen apart without you here. I miss you, and  I love you, amd  I guess I always will.

Love,
Jeremy