Yet another new day......

Well, friends and neighbors, it seems that I have survived yet another day of bullshit and self loathing. I found out the other day that my ex has moved on and has another partner now, and it just about killed me - why, after nearly three months, do I still give a fuck? Seriously, somebody tell me, because I can't figure it out. I still have had zero luck in the job hunting department, but I am definitely getting used t that by now - it has, after all, been four months since I worked. I definitely need to get out of this fucking house for a little bit and go do something besides hang out with my roommates. I have been making some new friends on Facebook, of all places, and I guess that is something positive - I haven't had much good to say lately. I'm still depressed all the fucking time over the lack of job and funding, and I'm still incredibly lonely out here, even though I am rarely physically alone. All in all, 2011 can pretty much just suck my dick. Apparently this post is gonna be super short, because I just can't think of anything else worth typing.

Peace out, homies,
Groverat

What to do with me.......

Hiya friends,
I know it's been a while, but I've been going through a pretty shitty patch of life, and didn't feel the need to drag you all down with me. For those of you who are not aware, I left Florida in December with my (ex)partner, Bill, and we came home to Texas. We spent an amazing and wonderful Christmas with his family in Lubbock, and then at the end of January, without warning or reason, he decided to end our relationship. I still don't know why, and probably never will, since we do not speak any more. I've been back here since December 17th, and have put out over 1000 resumes and applications, but still have not managed to find a job. Fortunately, I have been living with friends who are willing and able to help me out in this time of need, but I feel like I'm sinking deeper and deeper, and I don't know what to do. I'm incredibly lonely here, since we live in the middle of nowhere, and I don't have that many friends. I'm depressed all the god-damned time. All I do besides apply for jobs, it seems, is watch TV and eat. I've gained probably 35 pounds that I worked my ass off to lose, and it just seems to get worse every fucking day. This is probably the worst I've felt since the last time I detoxed, almost 2 years ago now. I'm starting to have cravings for dope again, and I don't know if it's jus because I'm so fucking bored, or because my life is just so much shit right now. Honestly, I don't care. My first instict when I wake up is to call the dude, get some dope and some points, and just fucking sail away on a cloud of smack. Who knows, maybe someday I'll grow the balls to do it, and just get it over with, instead of this long, slow decline into madness and self loathing that I seem to be at the beginning of. I've never been this fucking depressed in my life, and that includes the two years I spent on the streets when I was a kid. I can't talk to my family about these things, because they always say the same thing - just come to Mississippi and get out of there. What the fuck am I gonna do there, that I am not doing here? Of course, I suppose I could always just check out, but I've always thought that was pretty chickenshit, and I guess I'm strong enough to take this for now, but how much longer can I hold it together? I have no idea. I know that I can't take a whole lot more of this, and that my friends here will not be able to continue to pay my way forever, or even for very much longer. I have absolutely no idea what to do next. I don't know anything else I could be doing to find work. I don't know how to snap myself out of this fucking dark place I'm in in my head. I just feel completely lost right now, and I am utterly unsure how to get back to myself. I know that getting high is not the answer, but it is what I have done in the -past when I feel bad, and this is the worst I've felt. I'm not sure I can make it through all that again, and I don't want to try. Maybe that's the whole thing right there. I'm sick to death of trying so hard, and falling flat on my fucking face. It seems to me that I've failed at everything I have ever tried to do on my own. I've never been able to find anyone that can put up with all my bullshit for more than a few months, except for my first relationship, and drugs fucked that up after almost 9 years. I honestly feel like I'm fucking drowning. I can't afford to taolk to a professional about any of this, and if I could, I could not afford to pay for the mountain of anti this and thats they would put me on. I don't feel like I have the right to be this fucking down, either. At least I have a place to sleep, and food when I'm hungry, which is more than some can claim. I don't know much anymore, I suppose.....Anyway, now that I've ruined your day, I think I'll go try to sleep. Don't worry about me - I just needed to get some of this off my head......

Here's to better days,
Groverat