The best year ever (so far)............

OK, kids, here we go again. I know many of you are used to me being a mean spirited, cynical bastard, but this is a different kind of rant. As some of you know, and many probably do not, I have spent most of the last twenty years battling a nasty addiction to heroin and cocaine, with occasional bouts of crystal meth. I started using when I was thirteen years old, and since then the longest I have gone without doing any kind of hard drugs is just over three years. I am currently a little over a year into this period of sobriety, and so far, things could not be better. I have a great group of friends, I live in a beautiful place where I don't know anybody that gets high or sells dope, and I have a wonderful partner who helps me keep things in perspective, even when I'm being a complete and total asshole, which, let's face it, is a good deal of the time. In the past year, I have traveled quite a bit, met some great people, and ditched nearly every person I knew. I felt that unless I quit talking to all the people I knew who had access to dope, or that I used to get high with, I would never make it out alive. And I very nearly didn't. I was living with people who were only there because I had the money to get high when I wanted to, and sometimes got violent when I refused to pay for their fix. I was taking advantage of friends and family. I sold my car to get high. Well, I sold it because the transmission was kaput, but I used the money to buy heroin. But then, last fall, I had the chance to escape, and i took it. I have not looked back. Life today is very different for me. I am as sober as I've been in years, aside from the occasional drink and/or doobie, I have a decent job with a good company, and I am absolutely head over heels in love with the greatest guy on the planet. I never expected to be in love again. Honestly, I did not expect to be alive to write this. I fully expected to have overdosed and died long before now. Thankfully, my friends saw how far down I had gone and grabbed me by the hair and dragged me back up.I have to say, that with all the good things that have happened this year, the biggest surprise was that I was still able to care for another person as much as I do.  I am amazed, every day, at how much I love Bill. I am constantly surprised at how much he loves me, even knowing everything he does about me and my past. It has helped me heal an enormous hole in my life to know that I can be loved unconditionally. And believe me, I make it difficult. I am still paranoid. I am still unable to admit when I'm wrong, until it's too late and I've already acted like the stubborn ass that I can be at times. I still have a hard time believing that anyone could actually love me, and not expect anything in return. But every day, it gets better and better. I no longer have the daily cravings to get high. I no longer look over my shoulder every time I go outside to make sure there isn't a cop there. My house is clean, and does not smell like vinegar from all the dope being melted down. I no longer wake up to people I don't know nodded out on my couch. I don't have to lock my bedroom door at night. We all, addict or not have a few basic things in common. We all want a home. We all want to be secure financially. We all want the love and acceptance of our families (which I still only have about halfway). We all search for love, and evidence that we ARE worth keeping. Anyway, maybe I can sleep now. I know this isn't my usual rave, but maybe something will piss me off later, and I can add something a little less touchy feely and a little more of what you good people have come to expect of me. So, for now, this mushy shit is all I have for you - just a little hint of what I'm grateful for.

Peace, love and hand grenades,
Groverat

Gay teen suicides, a hateful rant, by the groverat......

OK, people, is it just me, or are you sick to death of hearing about all these kids being pushed and taunted into suicide by brainless, spineless morons? Why is it that people assume it is OK to pick on and push around the smaller, gayer or just different kids? I tell you what, all you simple minded motherfuckers - if you want to fuck with someone about being a fag, why don't you grow some nuts and come knock on my fucking door? I'll tell you why - I'm bigger than you, I'm not afraid of you, and I am damned sure meaner than you. I need to find a creative, useful outlet for the rage this latest round of hate crimes has sparked. I'm sure I could think of a few new ways to dispose of a body.  For those of you who don't know me, the Groverat is a bitter, cynical, sarcastic bastard, who just happens to have the size and lack of sense to back up his bullshit. For those of you who think I'm kidding, remember, you don't know who I am or what I look like, so for all you know, that faggy kid you are thinking about hurting or ridiculing could be me. Or my partner. Or my friend. Or just someone in my line of sight that I feel needs to be protected. Think twice, because if I see you fucking up, I won't worry about calling the police......I'll just have to dig a hole. Stand up for yourselves, kids and adults alike - never be ashamed of who you are, regardless of what people say to you. And if they push too far, well, you know where to reach me.......

Peace love and hand grenades,

Groverat

Fuck getting old........

OK, kids, so it has come to my attention that I am officially getting old. I was talking to my partner last night, trying to explain to him why I did not think it was necessary to fight every person who offends you, at every turn, and it dawned on me that 12 years ago, when I was his age, I was the exact same - maybe a little worse. I was confrontational, I was angry about the injustices I saw in the world, and I was god-damned determined to do something about it. What the fuck happened to that guy? I thought about it for a long time last night and this morning, and I was wrong. I was wrong to tell him that we don't have to fight every person, every day. I was wrong to tell him that there were times and places where it would be safer to just not hold hands in public. Again, what the fuck happened to me? This was a big wake up for me - I am still just as angry as I was then, about all of the same things, but somewhere along the way, my sense of priority got fucked up. I cannot think of a better cause to fight for in this day and age than the freedom to love my partner, both in private and in public, without fear of attack or reprisal. If other people don't like it, or can't handle it, then fuck'em. That's their problem. So if you see us out and about, and we are not acting like a couple in public, call me on my bullshit!!

Later,
Groverat