another sleepless night in Florida........

Well, yet again, I've been sitting here, all night, in the dark, trying to get some fucking sleep. I have so much going for me right now that it's just shocking, yet I still can't seem to get past all the anxiety that it's all going to come crashing down on my head any minute now. I guess that comes from years and years of being fucked up on various kinds of dope, and those same years of self sabotage and destruction. I realize how important it is that I stay clean, but some days I just can't help but think about it. If you've ever had any kind of issue with drugs, you know what I mean. Just one more time won't hurt. I can party one more time. Just one fix for old times sake. All the bullshit we tell ourselves to justify our addiction, and this sick, fucked up need we have to get high. I can't even begin to tell you how many times I've lost everything and everyone I know due to my love of dope. I know if I go back to that again, I'll die. Sometimes, one more time is all it takes. Sometimes, we lose the war. And sometimes, just sometimes, we win. We find someone or something that we love more than ourselves, more than that sppon, and we pick up the pieces and move on. And sometimes, we can actually make a new life, without all the drama and self-hatred and pain and bullshit that comes with a drug habit. But, that said, I have to say that it's been hard for me to move to a place where I only know a few people, where I don't really have anything to keep me grounded. This place seems to be a haven for heroin dealers, and it's tough to see people, every day, that you know just did a shot, or just scored a bag, or are standing on the corner selling shit. It's hard for me, because before the last year, I never really wanted to stay sober. I didn't have any real reason to, I guess, or any desire. To me, to be without dope of one kind or another was to be incomplete, to be sober was to be weak. One of the sheep, who lived their lives according to some abstract idea that drugs were bad for you. I could never see myself living that way, and I guess sometimes, I'm still amazed that I've been able ro do it for this long without any kind of setback. Now, I guess, I attribute it to finding someone I love. Before Bill, I guess it was just a suidden, strong, strange desire to live to be an old man some day. Is that weird? I just want to grow old. And honestly, a year ago, I did not expect to live to see the beginning of 2010. I really thought I would be dead before then. And, if I had kept going the way I was, I probably would have been. I'm not sure what this whole thing has been about, and I will probably delete it tomorrow, but it worked. I'm going to bed.
Peace, love and hand grenades,
Groverat