Losing the war.........

I'd take it away, but I want more and more, one day I'm gonna lose the war......One of my favorite musicians wrote that line about his heroin addiction, about two years before an overdose killed him. I guess there are some things that you can see coming your way, but still can't do a fucking thing to stop. Is it ever really possible, I wonder, to put your past behind you and leave it there? I don't think so, and here's why: all of the stupid, terrible, joyous, tragic and wonderful things that happen along the way make us or break us. If they made you, then you draw all of your courage and strength from them - if they broke you, then all of your fears and anxieties were justified, and that comforts you somehow. I also wonder if people really mean it when they say "if I could just go back and change that one thing.." - would you really? Would you alter your entire life to get the chance to fix one fuck-up? Not me, bub - I wouldn't give back one day - not one scar, one tear or one smile, for all the money in the bank. I say this because, I guess, the ups and downs made me - although at times I feel a little broken, I admit. I hear people say these things all the time - I don't get it - what is so bad about your life that you would alter hundreds, maybe thousands of decisions to change the outcome of one choice? I've met some of the best people that I know, through some of the worst - I wouldn't trade knowing those scumbags for anything - they brought me good friends, even if it was an accident. I've learned a lot about myself in the last year, and I learned some of it from the strangest sources. Isn't life a trip sometimes? I've never been one to hide my flaws, my weaknesses, my fuck-ups - I do it all right out in the open, but not so that people can see what a moron I am. I live my life this way because I don't know any other way to do things - except for straight out, unpleasantly, brutal honesty. I think if people can't handle me - the real me - that it's their loss, because I think I'm a pretty good guy to know. I'm ferociously loyal to my friends, and an unreasonable thorn in the ass for enemies (which I am discovering more and more of), and dogs like me, so how bad could I really be? I mean, in the grand scheme of things, are the people who picked on you in high school really still worth the energy it takes to hate them? Are the times your dad got drunk and yelled at you really worth the money you spend on therapy? I doubt it - you could be using that money for drugs you like, that are much more fun than Prozac......and speaking of drugs, what the fuck is this fascination with meth? Do people not realize that smoking something made of pills and batteries is NOT good for you? Have our collective brains really turned into that much toothpaste? Not that I'm above anything, or better than anyone - we all know I've had my issues with the shit, but I got friends, and they slapped me around a little and woke MY little stoned ass up. I don't gotta live like that no more. Not today, and probably not tomorrow either. So anyway, I've been thinking a lot about life lately - where I want things to go, and how it's all supposed to be. I guess that happens when you wake up one day from a year long chemically induces fog. I've discovered that my anger is still there, and I'm pissed about a lot of things going on here in the good old US of A, and I still have this major paranoid distrust of people - I'll put it this way - and I have no idea who to credit with this quote - it may be George Carlin, but I really don't remember.
" A person is a basically harmless, reasonably intelligent creature. People, on the other hand, are stupid, panicky, dangerous animals."
I try to apply my irritation with the moronic masses differently these days - I write these stupid fucking blogs, I run on the treadmill, go to the pistol range, drink too much whiskey - pretty much all the "Normies" do to relax, except that I refuse to make a competition out of chilling out. And somehow, with all of this, I still find myself hopeful that people are not the self centered, cold blooded, mindless zombies that they appear to be..... Anyway, enough with the rambling. I'm tired, and you people are probably fucking sick to death of reading about it. I'll make you a deal - you go to bed and so will I.........
Peace, love and hand grenades,
Groverat